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The best paragraph ever?

21 Sep

I know I have said it a thousand times, but A.A. Gill is simply the greatest writer of our age ::

A pair of lunching, scarlet-gobbed, Botoxed, overweight over-forties, dressed in outfits that might have been appropriate on a 17-year-old Serb in a Mykonos disco. Billowing breast implants and sagging stomachs, spray-tanned, bubble-wrap thighs and french-polished toenails in gladiator sandals, jangling jewellery like kitchen utensils constructed solely out of interlocking logos. Their ferociously yellow blonded hair extensions and flabby faces with Marlboro Light-lined lips gobbing inanities, constantly dipping into gaudy handbags full of BlackBerries and iPhones and antidepressants. They were such a strikingly vulgar pair of brazenly Scottische trollopy jades. There is, in Edinburgh, a culturally cringing plagiarism, a fawning desire to take on English fashion, and in doing so, get it completely ass about tit. These two imagined themselves as up-for-it Wilmslow Wags and had achieved precisely the opposite effect. They stared at each other as comforting mirrors.

A touch misogynistic? Maybe.

Who cares? Not me.

How to survive the Aporkalypse

28 Apr

Obviously the swine flu is very worrying. I mean, who really wants trotters, a snout, and wiry hair on their neck? Anyway, rather than spending your life in terror and looking suspiciously at sausage rolls, why not use the epidemic to your advantage?

Below are a few ideas. Feel free to add your own in the comments. The best one gets a bag of pork scratchings.

  • Carry a pack of bacon at all times. If someone annoys you simply rub it in their face and watch them freak out.
  • Start historically informed rumours. For example: Apparently, the U.S. is considering the forcible internment of people with slightly upturned noses.
  • Wrap a piglet in a towel and carry it under your arm. Find that queues at the supermarket dissolve as you approach, and that getting an empty seat on the bus is a doddle.
  • Show that you’re internets-cool by tagging your flu-related tweets with a look-at-me-I’m-clever hashtag. Try #epigdemic, #aporkalypse, #snoutbreak, #swineflu, or my favourite, #hamdemic.
  • Take random days off work by claiming that you have a runny nose, achy bones, and a strange compulsion to roll around in your own faeces.
  • Rehash those oh-so-lame pig jokes.
  • Make the case to cancel that stressful family holiday on the continent. Spend a fortnight vegetating on the couch watching sports and adding to your collection of belly-button fluff.
  • Finally you have a socially acceptable excuse for forgoing that vile custom of shaking people’s hand. YES!
  • If your wife catches you in a bar without your wedding ring, tell her that it’s unhygienic and harbours the virus.
  • Start ill-informed superstitions. For example: I heard that, if you wash your genitals in rose-oil after having full-sex with a pig, you won’t catch the flu.
  • Write openly hateful comments about pigs (pigist?) on the websites of national newspapers and the Big British Castle.
  • Demand that Five cancels Peppa Pig, if only to desperately discourage your 2-year-old daughter from demanding every piece of cat-shit merchandise it inspires.
  • Finally, remember this, some people you don’t like might die.
  • Now *that’s* a word

    30 Mar

    Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz.

    Everyone must see this

    27 Mar

    Charlie Brooker ponders MSM coverage of mass shootings ::

    via. via.

    Gamey times

    26 Mar

    Edge reports that US video game hawkers, GameStop, have increased sales despite our current economic clusterfuck. A surprise? Well, not really.

    GameStop — an American gaming chain — has proven with $8.8bn sales, and a 24% year-on-year increase in business, that when times are tough, we have a habit of turning to smoting Zombies .

    Now if you’re an appalling gaming whore like me, it’s arguably always Halo-time. But you have to admit, while difficult times usually, in my experience at least, put people off spending, stress and economic uncertainty tends to make people slaughter each other online all the more.

    Hell, if we can’t afford that trip to Agent Provocateur or a weekly night out at a fancy restaurant, the least we can expect is a session with the Master Chief, a pastrami-sandwich, and frag-fest of the highest order .

    I mean, that’s cheap (well, sort of).

    Sexy times

    24 Mar

    The Guardian reports that pricey lingerie hawkers, Agent Provocateur, have increased sales despite our current economic clusterfuck. A surprise? Well, not really.

    As Rick’s Caberet — an American strip-joint chain — proved last November with a 113% year-on-year increase in business, when times are tough, we have a habit of turning to titties.

    Now if you’re an appalling rutting stag like me, it’s arguably always boobie-time. But you have to admit, while difficult times usually, in my experience at least, put women off teh nookie, stress and economic uncertainty tends to make us men even more horny.

    Hell, if we can’t afford that new high-def TV or a weekly night out on the sauce, the least we can expect is a session with the Mrs., a peekaboo bra, and the lights on.

    I mean, that’s free (well, sort of).

    Thought for the day

    22 Mar

    Why won’t talentless gobshite, Pete Doherty, just go away?

    Off to work. Catch you tonight, dweebs.