On Fucking Aliens

(In case you didn’t catch this over at Rational Geekery – also on holiday this week, so writing is off the table)

I re-watched Star Trek the other day. Not quite the same on the TV, but I enjoyed it nevertheless.

I love the references to the old series – especially the scene where Kirk is in bed with the green chick. Anyway, this got me wondering whether I would sleep with an alien?

If the Men in Black mythology is right – that aliens already live among us in disguise – then I probably have. It’s not a case of odds (I’ve not slept with that many women), it’s just that some of them have been really weird.

I guess the question is how humanoid are the aliens? I mean, there is a reason why I don’t bonk farm animals.

Kirk’s lay in Star Trek is undeniably hot (not Vulcan hot, but still), her skin just happens to be green. So yeah, I don’t see a problem with that. I’m pretty sure I could get used to green boobies. They’re still boobies.

(Not technically an “alien”, but) What about Helena Bonham Carter’s “sexy” chimp from Planet of the Apes? Could you go with that? Me? Nah. I’m a traditionalist when it comes to body-hair. And anyway, kissing her leathery ape-face would be like sucking on a handbag. Not for me, no.

I haven’t seen Avatar, but the thought of scuttling a 7-foot tall cat-woman with a tail longer than my arm, is a bit freaky. Now I’m not ruling it out, but there would need to be beer and I’d want to agree on some firm ground rules. But, we could probably make something work.

Luckily in Star Wars, many of the Aliens look a lot like Natalie Portman and Carrie Fisher, so we’re cool. I’d make a sharp exit if I went on a blind-date with one of the Sand People though. Sparkplugs sticking out of someone’s face is just plain creepy. Finally, role play with the changeling Zam Wessell from Attack of The Clones could be loads of fun. Definitely up for some of that.

Obviously the Queen from the Aliens movie is out of the question. The whole furious giant ant/acid-blood thing is, to be honest, a bit of a turn-off. I’ll pass.

So what do we want from an alien partner?

Well certainly a biped is a good start – and arms, she’s got to have arms. That way we avoid creatures that move around using tentacles or slide along on some kind of primeval ooze. And is it too much to ask that the sexual organs don’t have teeth or squirt some sort of poisonous icky goo? Thanks.

I know others might be more liberal when it comes to body hair, but I’m saying we keep the fur to a minimum. Getting 6” long strand of Wookie hair stuck in my teeth doesn’t do anything for me (have a look).

Skin-wise I’m cool. Green? Blue? Covered in spots? It’s all cool, baby. As long as her skins is soft and not crusty, I can turn a blind-eye to a bit of exotic pigmentation.

While two eyes are best, I could deal with anything in the region of 1-4 eyes. Any more and all the blinking would put me off.

I can take or leave ears. Not a biggie. Whiskers? Meh. Not fussed. Horns are an interesting one. Small ones could be quite cute, and larger ones would double as handlebars. Handy.

So ladies (if you’re still reading…), what extra/improved appendages would you fancy in your alien shag? Maybe you’d be up for tentacles, what with all those extra erogenous zones you have all over the place. What’ll it be girls?

So all in all, I think casual intergalactic fucking could be a lot of fun. To be honest, shagging humans will probably get quite boring eventually. What with just the one vagina and no antlers. That’s probably why old people just give up.

So yeah, I can’t wait for drunken nights in an alien nightclub tapping up the local talent. C’mon NASA, where’s our interstellar sex tourism? Pull your finger out, FFS.

’09 in Review

I usually do a very structured review of the year, with a best blog/film/record of the year etc. This year however I have decided against picking a categorised best of the year. I’m just going to vent and see what happens…

Cinema

Quite a few critics have lamented the movies of 2009. It’s true that there has been asome rubbish – Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen, being one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. It’s an absolute travesty that Transformers 2 has made almost $900m, meaning that another life-draining sequel is inevitable. But there have also been a handful of decent pictures too.

Pixar followed up the seminal Wall-E with another good movie. While Up lost its way towards the end, it remains a moving and at times breathtakingly beautiful piece of work. Pixar, along with the Cohen brothers, are consistently leading from the front.

As raucous buddy-movies go, I really enjoyed The Hangover. It’s over-the-top, but it’s seriously funny in places. Nice to see The Hangover is also one of the highest grossing films of the year – pulling in almost 500m clams.

Harry Potter was fine. Watchmen was an epic letdown. Wolverine was rubbish but I enjoyed it. I haven’t seen Avatar, In The Loop or Zombieland yet. And 2012 can go F itself.

As for Sci-Fi, I thought both District 9 and Star Trek were great.

Music

I don’t really buy much music anymore. I love a few bands like The Killers, Radiohead, Muse and The Arctic Monkeys, but in the main I listen to audiobooks and podcasts.

Anyway mainstream music is now the preserve of one man: Simon Cowell, who seems to manipulate the nation like a huge braindead marionette. Now richer than Scrooge McDuck, Cowell – sporting his trademark Botox-swollen face and G.I. Joe haircut – seems to be behind everything. It’s only a matter of time before Cowell builds a fortress in the clouds and we’re all forced to crawl on all-fours like bugs dong his evil bidding.

At the centre of Cowell’s insidious empire are the twin-behemoths, X-Factor and Britain’s Got Talent. X-Factor, which allows bedroom-bound popstar wannabes to to ruin your Saturday night, provides a desperately bored nation with a never-ending production line of wet crooners – many of whom seem to have severe personality disorders.

Britain’s Got Talent, on the other hand, takes hideous curiosities and turns them into national treasures. More Britons would recognise the Hairy Angel, Susan Boyle, than they would The Angel of The North – one of the few genuine cultural highlights of recent times.

The recent Rage Against the Machines Christmas Number One was of course an impressive display of guerrilla grassroots marketing, but really the whole story just highlights the predictability of British Music.

The X-Factor track was absolute rubbish, but it still got the number two spot. What sort of bottom-feeders bought that shit? The mass lobotomising of the British people is the great unreported story of the last decade, and it’s time Simon Cowell was brought to justice.

Politics

Watching the slow and painful premiership of Gordon Brown is now unbearable. While the backend of 2009 has offered a flicker of hope for Labour ranks, it’s inevitable that Labour will get an almighty hosing at the general election.

The electoral map is heavily stacked against the Tories, but it hard to imagine that David Cameron will be denied victory – even it that means being the dominant faction in a coalition.

I don’t believe for a minute that a Conservative government will be much good. That’s why it’s hilarious reading the Tory blogs. They’re selling a great sack of fail. David Cameron is not nearly good enough to run a corner shop, never mind the nation. He’s going to become the next PM because Labour is such a crock.

If the Liberal Democrats had any ideas, gumption or class, they’d be crucifying the Tories. Instead they are, as always, paralysed by opportunity and terrified of success.

Of course the Lib Dems don’t actually want to win the election. Having to give up their sniffy-aloofness would be too high a price to pay. No, the Lib Dems are perfectly happy with the status quo, which allows them ample time to sit about telling each other how fragrant their farts are.

Videogames

After last-years stellar year for gaming, 2009 was always going to be a bit of a letdown. That said; there have been really good games released this year.

The year’s monster hit has been Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, which is brilliant. While none the individual levels quite match up to its predecessor’s highlights (the All Ghillied Up sniper level and the majestic opening few minutes of Charlie Don’t Surf), the overall campaign is better. My favourite part being the heart-pounding unarmed race across the Favella rooftops.

My criticisms of MW2 are that the multiplayer maps don’t offer the same varied experience of the first Modern Warfare game. Nothing quite betters the thrill of dominating on Ambush or Backlot. I like the Favella level and Invasion, but I’d love to be able to get a COD4 map-pack and bring my old favourites over to the new game.

The third MW2 game-type, Special-Ops, is really good and offers loads of re-play value. All together an outstanding, if not faultless, game.

One of my most played games of the year is the brilliant Xbox Arcade offering Trials HD, which is a beautifully realised game with a nod to the open-source motorbike classic Moto-X. You only control the trial-bike’s gas and the rider’s weight, but the experience is thrilling, addictive and taxing. My brother-in-law is completely besotted by the game.

I felt a bit let down by Halo ODST. Yeah it was moody and atmospheric, but it was also incredibly boring in places and the Halo 3 engine is incredibly dated now. Good to have all the multiplayer maps on one disk though.

Not being a PS3 owner I haven’t played Uncharted 2, but it’s the one game on the platform I’m desperate to play.

I’ve only played a bit of Left 4 Dead 2, which looks like more of the same – which is no bad thing! I hope to rattle through it over the next few days. I also got last year’s Fallout 3: Game of the Year edition for Christmas, so that’ll keep my busy.

Tech

Technology wise it’s been the year of the netbook. I love my Samsung NC10 (running Jolicloud OS) and often use it around the house instead of my MacBook Pro. I’m looking forward to the Chrome OS too.

I’ve become very attached to my new iPod Shuffle, which is used far more than my Touch. I just wish I could control the order my podcasts are played like I could on the old 2nd Gen Shuffle – maybe I just don’t know how to do it. They always play alphabetically.

Browser wise, Chrome has become my browser of choice on all my machines except the Macs. I need the Xmarks extension to sync bookmarks across my computers. On the Mac I use WebKit, but if the Chromium dev-build of Chrome was more robust, WebKit’s use would dwindle.

Phone-wise I’m still a BlackBerry man, that’s will change this year. Now the iPhone can gone multi-network expect sales to go crazy. I’m unsu
re between an Android phone and the iPhone, but I will get a touch-screen phone with a good browser.

TV

I don’t watch much TV, but the recent series of The Thick of It, and MadMen have both blown me away. I still like the I.T. Crowd and Peep Show is another favourite. Other than those two… Meh.