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Obama swats fly like Sensei

17 Jun

How to survive the Aporkalypse

28 Apr

Obviously the swine flu is very worrying. I mean, who really wants trotters, a snout, and wiry hair on their neck? Anyway, rather than spending your life in terror and looking suspiciously at sausage rolls, why not use the epidemic to your advantage?

Below are a few ideas. Feel free to add your own in the comments. The best one gets a bag of pork scratchings.

  • Carry a pack of bacon at all times. If someone annoys you simply rub it in their face and watch them freak out.
  • Start historically informed rumours. For example: Apparently, the U.S. is considering the forcible internment of people with slightly upturned noses.
  • Wrap a piglet in a towel and carry it under your arm. Find that queues at the supermarket dissolve as you approach, and that getting an empty seat on the bus is a doddle.
  • Show that you’re internets-cool by tagging your flu-related tweets with a look-at-me-I’m-clever hashtag. Try #epigdemic, #aporkalypse, #snoutbreak, #swineflu, or my favourite, #hamdemic.
  • Take random days off work by claiming that you have a runny nose, achy bones, and a strange compulsion to roll around in your own faeces.
  • Rehash those oh-so-lame pig jokes.
  • Make the case to cancel that stressful family holiday on the continent. Spend a fortnight vegetating on the couch watching sports and adding to your collection of belly-button fluff.
  • Finally you have a socially acceptable excuse for forgoing that vile custom of shaking people’s hand. YES!
  • If your wife catches you in a bar without your wedding ring, tell her that it’s unhygienic and harbours the virus.
  • Start ill-informed superstitions. For example: I heard that, if you wash your genitals in rose-oil after having full-sex with a pig, you won’t catch the flu.
  • Write openly hateful comments about pigs (pigist?) on the websites of national newspapers and the Big British Castle.
  • Demand that Five cancels Peppa Pig, if only to desperately discourage your 2-year-old daughter from demanding every piece of cat-shit merchandise it inspires.
  • Finally, remember this, some people you don’t like might die.
  • A daft review

    17 Mar

    Thanks to John Band, who pointed me in the direction of this review of last night’s Stuart Lee’s Comedy Vehicle.

    The reviewer, one Sally McIlhone, contends that Lee’s “intellectual elitism” is pompous, and goes on to make the astonishing claim that Chris Moyles (and Jeremy Clarkson) are “immeasurably funnier than Lee”.

    Seriously? People who make claims like that shouldn’t be allowed opinions. It’s beyond ignorant. Next she’ll be telling us that David Beckham’s smarter than Gail Trimble, and that Brooke Burke is nowhere near as hot as Jo Brand.

    It’s about time, considering the absolute dog-spunk we’re usually fed on our TV screens, that somebody actually commissioned a programme that picks holes in the fabulously ridiculous circle-jerk that is our contemporary media. Lee’s right, most of the celeb books are complete tat, and the people who buy them are morons. And it’s about time someone said it.

    Bill Hicks :: Rush Limbaugh is a scat-muncher

    27 Feb

    Seriously, NSFW.

    Dramatic cupcake dog

    6 Feb

    Usually something I’d put up at RatGeek, but this needs to be seen by as many people as possible.

    That dog really wants a cupcake.

    via. digg / Kevin Rose.

    Guilty pleasure

    22 Dec

    I know I probably shouldn’t, but I do love Jeremy Clarkson’s writing. From The Times ::

    I don’t mind mistakes; the chap who accidentally forgets to close the doors on the ferry, for instance. These are errors. These are evidence of human fallibility. What I cannot abide is the wilful lack of interest in customers that ruins everything we buy and everything we do these days.

    Except smoking. Over the years, I have worked my way through perhaps a million cigarettes and not one of them has ever come out of the packet shaped like a penis, or covered in mud. Not one has ever refused to light, or exploded while I am driving along. You sometimes get a beetle in your chocolate bar or an earwig in your curry. But cigarettes? Every single one is just as you would expect. A perfectly tailored nicotine delivery service.

    It would, of course, be unreasonable to expect such consistency from cars. They are made up of 15,000 parts and some of them are made by people who are French. So, naturally, there will be mistakes from time to time

    Funny. Funny. Funny.

    2 Dec

    via. Political Byline