How to survive the Aporkalypse

Obviously the swine flu is very worrying. I mean, who really wants trotters, a snout, and wiry hair on their neck? Anyway, rather than spending your life in terror and looking suspiciously at sausage rolls, why not use the epidemic to your advantage?

Below are a few ideas. Feel free to add your own in the comments. The best one gets a bag of pork scratchings.

Carry a pack of bacon at all times. If someone annoys you simply rub it in their face and watch them freak out.

Start historically informed rumours. For example: Apparently, the U.S. is considering the forcible internment of people with slightly upturned noses.

Wrap a piglet in a towel and carry it under your arm. Find that queues at the supermarket dissolve as you approach, and that getting an empty seat on the bus is a doddle.

Show that you’re internets-cool by tagging your flu-related tweets with a look-at-me-I’m-clever hashtag. Try #epigdemic, #aporkalypse, #snoutbreak, #swineflu, or my favourite, #hamdemic.

Take random days off work by claiming that you have a runny nose, achy bones, and a strange compulsion to roll around in your own faeces.

Rehash those oh-so-lame pig jokes.

Make the case to cancel that stressful family holiday on the continent. Spend a fortnight vegetating on the couch watching sports and adding to your collection of belly-button fluff.

Finally you have a socially acceptable excuse for forgoing that vile custom of shaking people’s hand. YES!

If your wife catches you in a bar without your wedding ring, tell her that it’s unhygienic and harbours the virus.

Start ill-informed superstitions. For example: I heard that, if you wash your genitals in rose-oil after having full-sex with a pig, you won’t catch the flu.

Write openly hateful comments about pigs (pigist?) on the websites of national newspapers and the Big British Castle.

Demand that Five cancels Peppa Pig, if only to desperately discourage your 2-year-old daughter from demanding every piece of cat-shit merchandise it inspires.

Finally, remember this, some people you don’t like might die.

It’s Iain Dale’s right to criticise Jack Jones.

Iain Dale has posted a YouTube video explaining why lefties are so out of order for complaining about his post yesterday about the late Jack Jones. Dale used the post to point out his opinion of Jones’ shortcomings, and for this the Tory blogger has been accused of being insensitive.

Whatever, Trevor.

Criticising people in the days after their death is insensitive. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do it. Iain Dale can say what the hell he likes on his blog. And readers and political foes can call him on it, if they so wish. It’s really not a big deal.

And it will also not be a big deal when Lady Thatch’ finally parts this world for the fiery depths of hell. The left will enjoy toasting to her demise, and will revel in the thought of her reuniting with Reagan and Pinochet, as they in turn take it up the arse from the devil himself.

I for one salute Iain Dale for standing up for our inalienable right to pick at the still-warm carcass of our political enemies.

Thank you, Iain.

Rightwing nutjob Beck, advocates secession.

So you thought Fox News’ resident mentalist, Glenn Beck, couldn’t get more unhinged.

You were wrong. So very wrong.

You know the Republicans are going down the toilet faster than an aerodynamically sculptured turd, don’t you? Heh. Good.

Chicken and Egg

Sunny has a post over at LC commenting on the McBride/Draper affair. Sunny asserts that, surely, Derek Draper’s scandalous and counterproductive foray into the blogosphere is over. Done. Finished. Kaputt.

I hope so. Draper is not only “poisonous for the Labour party”, he has become a toxic presence that is soiling the entire medium. It’s almost as if Dolly’s a MSM agent, planted within the blogosphere to undermine the medium and bring it down from within.

He is a virus. A horrid bacterium that has spread, uncontrolled, through the online community. It’s time he slithered away.

But the thing is… there… just now… I fed the goat. That’s what Dolly wants. That’s what Guido wants. These wankers are HUGE ego-whores. They want you talking about them. Good or bad. They’re like the vacuous coked-up clothes horses that populate the celeb rags, they’re obsessed with publicity.

And you, I, we’re all just doing exactly what they fucking want. We’re talking about them. Aggghhhh!!!

I could write a hugely informed post about how Paul “Guido” Staines is a hypocrite for slating McBride/Draper, when he’s a pioneer of mud-slinging hate politics (chicken and egg?), but I’d be FEEDING THE FUCKING GOAT!

So please, I beg you, let’s stop waxing their egos and ignore these two self-seving wankers.

I repeat…

NEXT!

McBride, that irrelevant muppet and the faux outrage he caused

This really is much ado about nothing — it’s no different to the expenses nonsense. They’re all at it. It’s what they do. They fiddle and they scheme, and one or two, might actually do some work once in a while.

Politicians like to claim that they’re morally superior to us, or that they’re in the know about things we’ll never comprehend, but in reality they’re like the rest of us: a mix of shirkers, workers, liars, pervs, twats and smart-arses (have I missed anyone?). MPs are no different to that bunch of goons and loons you work with. No better, and probably no worse. It’s the anthropology, stupid.

Guido’s desperate to make this a big deal because it feeds his gargantuan ego. Is it really news that politicos scheme against one-another? No, don’t be so daft you silly hypocritical gonad.

If the political blogosphere really is going to be the antidote to the MSM, rather than its desperate echo-chamber, we really have to be better than this.

Next!

Wikio Rankings for April

Dan at Wikio, possibly appreciating my busy schedule, has kindly offered me some free content for the blog, in the shape of this Month’s Wikio rankings.

So without further ado, I present the Wikio Blog Rankings for April 2009.

As you can see, the top four remain resolute — encased in carbonite and refusing to budge. And in the poptastic voice of Tony Blackburn, I can also tell you that Political Betting is still the fifth member of the blogging Beetles, remaining at 5.

LibDem Voice continues to climb the rankings, and DK bounces back after a month at number 9.

1 Iain Dale’s Diary 2 Guy Fawkes’ blog 3 Liberal Conspiracy 4 ConservativeHome’s ToryDiary 5 politicalbetting.com 6 Liberal Democrat Voice 7 The Devil’s Kitchen 8 Dizzy Thinks 9 Harry’s Place 10 Labourlist 11 John Redwood’s Diary 12 Old Holborn 13 Labourhome 14 Bloggerheads 15 Chicken Yoghurt 16 Stumbling and Mumbling 17 Archbishop Cranmer 18 Telegraph Blogs – Daniel Hannan 19 Benedict Brogan’s political blog 20 EU Referendum 21 Tim Worstall 22 Mr Eugenides 23 Liberal England 24 Obnoxio The Clown 25 Blaney’s Blarney 26 Pickled Politics 27 Nick Robinson’s Newslog 28 PJC Journal 29 Dave’s Part 30 Samizdata.net Ranking by Wikio.

How Wikio comes up with these rankings can be found here.

Not that you probably care…

…but expect blogging to be very light over the next 10-days or so. I say this not because I believe you can’t manage without my witty insight, but because I don’t want you to think I’m dead*.

I have plans to do a bit of travelling in the summer, and I need to raise some extra funds, so I’ve taken on some extra hours in the real world. I know, shame on me.

*of course, by the time you read this, I could very well be dead. You know, what with the combined threat of buses, crazed G20 protesters and poisoned cheeseburgers (I have this nightmare — it’s becoming a problem), it’s a miracle I’m still here.