help required

14 Sep

Mrs. tyger returns to England a week from tomorrow. While I have done my very best to tidy up after myself, the house could certainly do with a woman’s touch before I welcome my family back into their home. And so, with scant regard for any dignity I may have left, I am pleading for a kindly woman who could spare a few days to make the house ship-shape again.

You could think of me a sort of charity case. Helping a sad specimen of a man in his hour of need. I mean, what self-respect could I have left, begging strangers on the internet to clean my house?

The problem is, if no-one comes to my rescue, I’ll have to don the marigolds myself. Can you imagine how much of a dick I’d look in latex yellow gloves? Sex-pest springs to mind. And I never want to look like a sex-pest (not again, anyway). Also, I don’t have the stamina for cleaning. I’m built for power and speed – able to cover short distances quickly, handy when racing to club an animal to death. I’m a hunter, you see? Woefully ill-equiped (does that count as a double-negative(?), I think not) as I am for such a task, I find myself imploring you to help.

While I can’t pay you, there are numerous benefits: –

    I make great coffee. Green tea on request

    Biscuits – with currants(!!)

    Lunch (do you like re-heated Chinese food?)

    Music provided while you scrub – I’m quite the DJ

    Uniform supplied *ahem…*

Isn’t that the best off you’ve had today? Ok, maybe not.

*tyger dons marigolds and puts suggestive uniform back in its box*

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44 Responses to “help required”

  1. anja@illmann-walker.com September 14, 2007 at 12:59 pm #

    If I wouldn’t be too sick I would help you. Btw, you said you’re a hunter….we have a nice little annoying mouse in the house, so feel free to pop over and hunt the little f*****. šŸ˜‰

  2. anja@illmann-walker.com September 14, 2007 at 12:59 pm #

    If I wouldn’t be too sick I would help you. Btw, you said you’re a hunter….we have a nice little annoying mouse in the house, so feel free to pop over and hunt the little f*****. šŸ˜‰

  3. me@carolinesmailes.co.uk September 14, 2007 at 1:59 pm #

    Why doesn’t tyger don marigolds and the suggestive uniform? And why doesn’t tyger plead to a kindly gent too?OMG! I think you have forced me into feminism!

  4. me@carolinesmailes.co.uk September 14, 2007 at 1:59 pm #

    Why doesn’t tyger don marigolds and the suggestive uniform? And why doesn’t tyger plead to a kindly gent too?OMG! I think you have forced me into feminism!

  5. aaronsheath@gmail.com September 14, 2007 at 2:04 pm #

    Why would I want to see a guy in a suggestive uniform, Caroline?I can see you’re not thinking this through. One would think that the house is actually quite clean, and you’re accusing me of attempted entrapment.T’sk!!!

  6. aaronsheath@gmail.com September 14, 2007 at 2:04 pm #

    Why would I want to see a guy in a suggestive uniform, Caroline?I can see you’re not thinking this through. One would think that the house is actually quite clean, and you’re accusing me of attempted entrapment.T’sk!!!

  7. aaronsheath@gmail.com September 14, 2007 at 2:06 pm #

    Mrs. POh no! Vomit will never do. Not over the uniform…

  8. aaronsheath@gmail.com September 14, 2007 at 2:06 pm #

    Mrs. POh no! Vomit will never do. Not over the uniform…

  9. anja@illmann-walker.com September 14, 2007 at 2:30 pm #

    Oi, I’m not THAT sick!!!

  10. anja@illmann-walker.com September 14, 2007 at 2:30 pm #

    Oi, I’m not THAT sick!!!

  11. aaronsheath@gmail.com September 14, 2007 at 2:32 pm #

    Ok, but to be sure, I’m going to have to subjugate you to a thorough interview process.

  12. aaronsheath@gmail.com September 14, 2007 at 2:32 pm #

    Ok, but to be sure, I’m going to have to subjugate you to a thorough interview process.

  13. anja@illmann-walker.com September 14, 2007 at 2:55 pm #

    Moah, if I have to…..

  14. anja@illmann-walker.com September 14, 2007 at 2:55 pm #

    Moah, if I have to…..

  15. jacoblurch@gmail.com September 14, 2007 at 4:34 pm #

    Tyger you will just have to bite the bullet and do what I would do – get the french maid outfit on and get scrubbing!

  16. jacoblurch@gmail.com September 14, 2007 at 4:34 pm #

    Tyger you will just have to bite the bullet and do what I would do – get the french maid outfit on and get scrubbing!

  17. aaronsheath@gmail.com September 14, 2007 at 5:10 pm #

    Oh, don’t you start Jams. You’re supposed to be on my side!

  18. aaronsheath@gmail.com September 14, 2007 at 5:10 pm #

    Oh, don’t you start Jams. You’re supposed to be on my side!

  19. jacoblurch@gmail.com September 14, 2007 at 5:30 pm #

    Tyger, I know my place and that’s under the not-wife’s iron heel!

  20. jacoblurch@gmail.com September 14, 2007 at 5:30 pm #

    Tyger, I know my place and that’s under the not-wife’s iron heel!

  21. aaronsheath@gmail.com September 14, 2007 at 5:40 pm #

    Pah!Who will stand beside me when finally we topple the rule of women???

  22. aaronsheath@gmail.com September 14, 2007 at 5:40 pm #

    Pah!Who will stand beside me when finally we topple the rule of women???

  23. jacoblurch@gmail.com September 14, 2007 at 8:31 pm #

    Sorry, no can do! the not-wife is a Sergeant-major in the monstrous regiment!

  24. jacoblurch@gmail.com September 14, 2007 at 8:31 pm #

    Sorry, no can do! the not-wife is a Sergeant-major in the monstrous regiment!

  25. aaronsheath@gmail.com September 15, 2007 at 4:08 am #

    So I stand alone. Alone I bear this burden. Alone I must tread the dangerous road to the Fortress H&M, where I must strike down the one who rules them all. The one named Two-for-one-Sale.

  26. aaronsheath@gmail.com September 15, 2007 at 4:08 am #

    So I stand alone. Alone I bear this burden. Alone I must tread the dangerous road to the Fortress H&M, where I must strike down the one who rules them all. The one named Two-for-one-Sale.

  27. buzzerbinstock@yahoo.co.uk September 15, 2007 at 7:54 am #

    Face it Tyger, you’re a slob and she’s gonna dump you.

  28. buzzerbinstock@yahoo.co.uk September 15, 2007 at 7:54 am #

    Face it Tyger, you’re a slob and she’s gonna dump you.

  29. aaronsheath@gmail.com September 15, 2007 at 10:39 am #

    buntyWhoooah there… take it easy. Don’t go giving the lady ideas. You’re probably right, though.

  30. aaronsheath@gmail.com September 15, 2007 at 10:39 am #

    buntyWhoooah there… take it easy. Don’t go giving the lady ideas. You’re probably right, though.

  31. jameshigham@mail.com September 16, 2007 at 3:18 pm #

    My solution to the problem is to have two girls, 19 and 20 come in and they help the time pass as they … er … do the housework.

  32. jameshigham@mail.com September 16, 2007 at 3:18 pm #

    My solution to the problem is to have two girls, 19 and 20 come in and they help the time pass as they … er … do the housework.

  33. ariofarin@web.de September 16, 2007 at 6:57 pm #

    Why can’t Mrs Tyger tidy up the house when she gets back?

  34. ariofarin@web.de September 16, 2007 at 6:57 pm #

    Why can’t Mrs Tyger tidy up the house when she gets back?

  35. aaronsheath@gmail.com September 17, 2007 at 6:42 am #

    James,Finally, a solution I doesn’t involve any marigold-wearing humiliation on my part.I’d require another uniform, but it’s nothing I can’t overcome. I suppose I could cut the one I have up and fashion something for the both of them. Ario,Good idea. I’ll let you run it by her.

  36. aaronsheath@gmail.com September 17, 2007 at 6:42 am #

    James,Finally, a solution I doesn’t involve any marigold-wearing humiliation on my part.I’d require another uniform, but it’s nothing I can’t overcome. I suppose I could cut the one I have up and fashion something for the both of them. Ario,Good idea. I’ll let you run it by her.

  37. ashoksoni@hotmail.com September 17, 2007 at 10:46 am #

    “fashion something”fashion week is on at the mo.

  38. ashoksoni@hotmail.com September 17, 2007 at 10:46 am #

    “fashion something”fashion week is on at the mo.

  39. aaronsheath@gmail.com September 17, 2007 at 10:53 am #

    ash,Is it? I shall actually iron my clothes today in homage.

  40. aaronsheath@gmail.com September 17, 2007 at 10:53 am #

    ash,Is it? I shall actually iron my clothes today in homage.

  41. ashoksoni@hotmail.com September 17, 2007 at 4:48 pm #

    http://www.thefirstpost.co.uk/index.php?storyID=8686

  42. ashoksoni@hotmail.com September 17, 2007 at 4:48 pm #

    http://www.thefirstpost.co.uk/index.php?storyID=8686

  43. ariofarin@web.de September 17, 2007 at 6:05 pm #

    Just send me her email address, dude, and I will get on the case. Anything for a mate.

  44. ariofarin@web.de September 17, 2007 at 6:05 pm #

    Just send me her email address, dude, and I will get on the case. Anything for a mate.

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